It's been a week now and I haven't heard back from them, so I think it's safe to assume the "couple of days" passed and I will not be talking to them again soon, as one of my interviewers so confidently told me I would. I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. And how does that make me feel?
On Monday or Tuesday, my dad suggested I call them and ask because it would show initiative or something. It would show that I wanted the job. I waited until after a reasonable lunch period so as not to call during busy hours, and then I got nervous and shy and didn't call. I put it off until the next day. Again, I waited until after lunch, and then I waited a little more, and then I freaked out and didn't call. It's after midnight on Friday now and I still haven't called, but I'm telling myself maybe I'll call on Monday just to ask what exactly it was they decided they don't like about me. I'll probably chicken out again.
One of the questions asked of me at the interview was what my plans were with the company. I told the guy I care about coffee or something and that I'd probably be in it long-term if they did hire me, and afterwards I kept beating myself up about that answer. Why did I say that if it wasn't true? Wasn't this meant to be a temporary job while I get on my feet and try to find something relevant to my degree? Yes, it was. The problem is, I like this place where I interviewed, and I like the people. If they hired me, I'd have a hard time letting go. If they hired me, I'd probably let my writing dreams slip away. And I think maybe that's why I was too scared to call. Maybe I was afraid I didn't get the job, but maybe I was afraid they'd give it to me after all, and I'd never be able to let go.
I'm sad that I had this opportunity and lost it, and I'm sad and a little terrified that the thing I've been looking for these past five months is something I now realize I don't want. But some small part of me is glad I got back out there. I even came up with a weird analogy for it that I don't quite understand on a personal level:
It's like you've been through a divorce and you told yourself you'd get back out there so you browsed dating profiles online with a vague idea of what you were looking for. You saw some that looked nice every now and then, but you found little excuses not to contact them. "He lives too far away, " for example, or "I'd have to give up my weekends if I started dating again." Then one day, you saw someone familiar and you got a little excited. You'd met him before, just briefly, but you'd enjoyed being around him. You made the extra effort to contact him, and you were thrilled when he called you to set up a date. It didn't matter that you had to reschedule another engagement because that person would understand you were finally getting back out there. You thought the date went well. You liked him, and you even thought you maybe saw a future with him, but why had you told him that? You start to realize a future with him isn't the kind of future you really imagined for yourself, but you said it and you're not about to go back on your word. If he calls, you'll be with him for the long haul. And then he doesn't call. You're disappointed, a little hurt, and curious to know whom he considered a better candidate than yourself. But yes, a part of you is relieved that you're open to pursue a better future for yourself, and yes, you're darn proud of yourself for getting back out there. So the question is, does it all get easier from here, or was that the tip of the iceberg?
