Myself 101

It's crazy how much you can learn about yourself just from writing things down. Today I found a folder in my documents titled "Personal Journals" and I thought it would be fun to explore some of my thoughts from two years ago. It was insane. There were things I wrote about that I definitely remember happening but completely forgot I had them documented. There were thoughts that, when I look back at them, seem entirely crazy to me, and others that still make perfect sense or still ring true, such as "I'm always afraid of something." And, best of all, in the middle of a rant about why I wasn't looking forward to Valentine's Day, there was this, "THEY ALWAYS GO THROUGH THAT DOOR. THEY HAVE TO OPEN THAT DOOR. AND THEN THE STUPID THING NEVER SHUTS UP ALWAYS CREAKING CREAKING CREAKING NEVER CEASING CREAKING CREAKING CREAKING."

Yeah. That's me as a college freshman.

So I learned some things about myself tonight, including that I really have grown. That's a thing that's really nice to know.

Yet Another Snow Day

I haven't done a thing today because they cancelled classes again due to snow. I feel like a lazy American because that's what I am.

Actually, I helped some people dig their cars out of snow earlier and that felt pretty good. That felt like purpose, like I had discovered the meaning of life.

But then I didn't get any academic work done, so I'm mad at myself.

This is why I can't be in a relationship right now. Because the other person would always have to say, "No, you are worth something," and I'd be like, "No really, look at what I've done." And then they'd just be really frustrated that I would never get it, and we'd both be unhappy.

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Identity 101

It's my senior year in college, so now I'm more anxious than ever before about not knowing who I am, whatever that means. Sometimes I think it's because I'm always so connected to other people that I don't get enough time to be a person all on my own. That might be partially true, but I also know it's okay to be influenced by others, so that's not the whole issue.

It's my senior year in college, so I'm closer than ever before to being thrust into the real world, whatever that is. It's time to start looking for jobs, start really living on my own, stop eating nearly all of my meals in a cafeteria. I'm not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing or if I will even find a job, but that's not the worst part. The worst part is, I don't even know what I want to do or where I want to be.

I'm an English major. What do you do with that? If I were an education major, I'd become a teacher. If I were an engineering major, I'd become an engineer. If I were a nursing major, I could be a nurse. I'm an English major. It's so open-ended. I have options to consider and decisions to make. Have I mentioned yet that I'm terrified?

I have felt for several years now that I'm a little different from what I consider to be "most people." The way I see it, most everyone else is afraid of dying. Nobody really wants to believe their time on Earth will end one day, especially not young people like me who should have their whole lives ahead of them. Right? But I was kneeling at the alter one Sunday several years ago thinking about eternity and I thought, "Forever? Who wants to be around forever? Who really wants to never stop existing? Isn't that so much scarier than knowing we'll all die one day?" And I haven't reached the point of shaking that feeling yet. The difference between me and others is that I'm not exactly afraid of dying. I'm afraid of living.

Like I was telling a friend today, life seems like so much more of a risk than death. To me, death is more certain than life. Everyone knows we all die. It's the one thing that equalizes all of humanity; that no matter who you are and what you do in this life, you will end up in the grave. We all will. But what about life? Some people find happiness, like my parents and their unusually healthy marriage. Sure, my mom doesn't like her job, but she has a man who cares for her and that's not going to change. That's awesome, except that most people these days are getting divorced, and I definitely don't want that. I'm afraid of marriage because I don't know if I'll end up like my parents or like everyone else. And I haven't met anyone yet who makes me want to take that risk.

Of course, marriage isn't the only uncertainty in life. The other big one is career choices. I should probably try to tell myself I won't end up with my dream job right out of college and that's okay because I have time. But the truth is, I'm so afraid of life I can't allow myself to have a dream job. Any time I think of something that sounds fun, I tell myself, "That's not a reality. Pick a different dream." My first dream was to be an author, but the starving artist role doesn't really suit me. Then I dreamed of being an advice columnist for a newspaper, but I keep telling myself newspaper is dying. I thought about writing sitcoms, but I would hate to live in a big city like New York or L.A. Yuck. So now I'm supposed to be looking at my options, but I don't even know what I want. Because what if I put my heart into something and it doesn't turn out? If I don't decide what I want, I can't be disappointed when I don't get it.

But what if I don't decide what I want? Well, then I'll be stuck living with my parents and flipping burgers just to make a few bucks, struggling to pay off the loans I took out on an education I won't even be using. And that's my dilemma. If I know who I am and what I want, I could end up with a lot of disappointment in the end. But if I don't decide who I want to be, I'll never be anyone.

My identity crisis doesn't come from spending too much time around other people and letting them influence me. It comes from being afraid to know myself. Because if I know myself, I might not like myself. Because if I know myself, I might know my dreams, and I might not achieve them. Because if I know myself, I will have something to live for. And I can't think of anything more terrifying than wanting to live.

Dropped the Ball

Hey guys, you probably noticed I never did finish that 30-day challenge. I had a lot going on what with breaking up with my boyfriend (thank God that awful relationship is over), moving back to school, and everything else. I just didn't feel up to it anymore. I'm taking some cool classes this semester (Biblical Greek) so hopefully I'll find some time to post about those later on.

I once had indigestion....

I once had indigestion, and it lasted for probably about 18 hours which was pretty awful, but it's not nearly as painful as the constant indecision I suffer from. Seriously. I don't know what to do about things and I ask people for advice but I never know how to act on it. And if someone doesn't tell me what to do about my current dilemma, I'm going to explode. And if they do I won't listen.

But Is it Really Free?

I'm a college student, so I love basically anything free. But there are some things that are arguably not free, such as anything in a "Buy one, get one free" deal (you do have to buy the first one) and there are some things I suspect are not free of some catch, like any kind of "free trial."

Some free trials are dangerous because you are asked for your payment information in advance, and after your trial period you are billed unless you have cancelled your subscription. Examples are Netflix and that one insurance company that still owes me $15 because they received my cancellation request before they processed that withdrawal.

Other free trials are just annoying because you get used to the perks of being a paid member, then those perks are taken away and if you're a poor college student like me, you will never pay to get them back. I got a free trial of Norton Antivirus when I bought my computer, but I never upgraded after my trial period was over because I didn't want to spend money. I downloaded the free antivirus software I had on my old computer and so far the world hasn't ended.

So today I found out there's a free Spotify app available for Android devices. Did I mention there's a free Spotify app for Android? I'm super excited about this. I've wanted this thing basically for as long as I've had a smart phone, but probably longer? And it's pretty cool. I'm not familiar with all the fancy features yet, but I have been able to use it just like I use Spotify on my computer, and I can adjust my volume using the buttons on the side of my phone even if the screen is locked. Maybe that's a standard feature for playing music on your phone? Either way, I love it.

There's just one problem. As soon as I opened the app, it brought up a message saying "your free trial has begun." And I don't know exactly what that means. The app is still free, right? After my trial period ends, I'll still be able to use the app but I'll have ads and I'll lose some features? I'm pretty sure that's correct. I just don't know which features I'm going to lose. I hope it's not anything I learn to like, because I'm not paying for an app. No thank you.

Overall, I really am excited about using this app. I probably won't use it as much as I think I will, but I like the idea of having music on the go without taking up a bunch of storage space. I'm just not sure how free this free app will turn out to be...

The Perks of Being a Barista

As you might know, I work as a barista. It's probably the coolest job ever. I love making coffee and making my customers happy. This summer I'm actually working at a place that allows me to earn tips, which is new for me. Tips are great. Ever since Zach gave me the idea to use my tips to buy lunch, I haven't once had to use my debit card to pay for lunch while I'm at work. I love using cash on other little things too.

But one of the best perks of being a barista is the ability to make yourself free coffee, and that right has been taken away from me recently.We have to pay for everything we make ourselves from now on. I guess the owner is trying to actually make money or something? All I know is I'm pretty sure taking away my free coffee rights is unethical and against the International Law of Coffee set down by that giant coffee bean guy from that one episode of Regular Show. I mean, I don't have it in writing, but I'm almost positive.

It's not just that I enjoyed the perk of free coffee; it's also that sometimes I make weird stuff and I'm not sure how much to charge for it. Much like the pretzel pizza the guy next door makes himself. That's not on the menu.

With all the ever-changing policies and Zach being let go and Big Brother (the owners have video cameras, with audio. They watch us from home. It might be all they ever do?) and everything else, I'm starting to love my job a lot less. Which is good, because I needed to want to go back to school next month.