Maybe it got lost in the mail. Maybe some idiot sent it to my school address which, since I graduated, I am no longer able to use. Maybe I missed some detail on the requirements page and they decided I didn't graduate, then decided they'd better not let me know. Whatever it is, I walked across the stage when my name was called six weeks ago and received an empty red folder, and still haven't received the piece of paper to put inside it. My best friend got his in the mail two weeks ago.
I already have self esteem problems (that's a giant understatement), so it hurts a bit not to know whether I've actually achieved this milestone in my life. If I don't have that stupid piece of paper, what did I get out of those four years of college and the overwhelming amount of debt I'll have to begin repaying in a few short months?
I'll tell you some things I didn't get.
1) A job. My department doesn't really have a job placement plan, and I don't know anyone in any relevant field, so I'm reduced to constantly checking Craigslist for barista positions that don't require me to use my body to sell a cup of coffee. It's weird how much those outnumber regular barista openings in my area right now.
2) A relationship. I went to a Christian school, so getting a degree is really just an excuse to be there so you can find what you're really looking for, which is a spouse. I screwed that part up and focused on my education. Oops. Guess I'll just never get married, right? Can't be that bad.
3) A sense of pride in my accomplishment. Everyone is going around telling me, "Congratulations!" and my mom's like, "My baby graduated Magna Cum Laude, I'm so proud!" and acting like I did some incredible thing like fly to the moon or whatever, but I don't see it as a big deal. So I walked across the stage when they called my name. Anyone can do that. This girl who went to my high school did that, and she had been wheelchair-bound for her entire life. Now that's something to congratulate. Not what I did. What I did was meaningless.
4) Respect for myself. This one is pretty simple. I "graduated" college, but I don't have any of the things listed above even though most people I know do, and then there's the self-esteem thing I mentioned before, so this is the result of all that mess.
5) The one thing I actually wanted. During orientation we had to do an activity where we would write on a piece of paper one thing that we wanted to leave behind us during our time at school, and on the other side we were supposed to write one thing we wanted to gain in place of the other. Then we buried the papers and the old thing was supposed to be buried and the new thing would grow as we grew. All of my friends said they forgot what they wrote and that was the point of the exercise, but I think it just didn't mean anything to them, because I remembered what I wrote and that piece of paper meant more to me than anything else I could accomplish in that place. On the first side I wrote, "doubt" and on the other, "faith." As long as I could leave my doubts behind and learn to have faith, I'd be in a better place. After all, that was the reason I chose the school I chose. I could have chosen any college (almost), but I chose to be there because I wanted to learn something I couldn't learn at a public school. And I failed. You see, even though I spent four years in a community of believers, I failed to strengthen my own faith. At the end of my journey, I have no job, no husband, no sense of pride in my so-called accomplishments, no respect for myself, and most of all, no faith that I will ever have any of those things. I actually don't even believe they'll ever mail me my degree.
This might sound silly, but it almost feels like my school watched me drop that paper into the dirt, they knew what was written on each side, and they monitored my spiritual growth (or lack thereof). Until I learn to have faith, they can't give me a degree, because I failed to learn anything while I was at school. I passed everything else, but I failed this test, and that means I didn't earn my degree. Yeah, it definitely sounds silly. But it sure feels true.
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