It's my senior year in college, so now I'm more anxious than ever before about not knowing who I am, whatever that means. Sometimes I think it's because I'm always so connected to other people that I don't get enough time to be a person all on my own. That might be partially true, but I also know it's okay to be influenced by others, so that's not the whole issue.
It's my senior year in college, so I'm closer than ever before to being thrust into the real world, whatever that is. It's time to start looking for jobs, start really living on my own, stop eating nearly all of my meals in a cafeteria. I'm not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing or if I will even find a job, but that's not the worst part. The worst part is, I don't even know what I want to do or where I want to be.
I'm an English major. What do you do with that? If I were an education major, I'd become a teacher. If I were an engineering major, I'd become an engineer. If I were a nursing major, I could be a nurse. I'm an English major. It's so open-ended. I have options to consider and decisions to make. Have I mentioned yet that I'm terrified?
I have felt for several years now that I'm a little different from what I consider to be "most people." The way I see it, most everyone else is afraid of dying. Nobody really wants to believe their time on Earth will end one day, especially not young people like me who should have their whole lives ahead of them. Right? But I was kneeling at the alter one Sunday several years ago thinking about eternity and I thought, "Forever? Who wants to be around forever? Who really wants to never stop existing? Isn't that so much scarier than knowing we'll all die one day?" And I haven't reached the point of shaking that feeling yet. The difference between me and others is that I'm not exactly afraid of dying. I'm afraid of living.
Like I was telling a friend today, life seems like so much more of a risk than death. To me, death is more certain than life. Everyone knows we all die. It's the one thing that equalizes all of humanity; that no matter who you are and what you do in this life, you will end up in the grave. We all will. But what about life? Some people find happiness, like my parents and their unusually healthy marriage. Sure, my mom doesn't like her job, but she has a man who cares for her and that's not going to change. That's awesome, except that most people these days are getting divorced, and I definitely don't want that. I'm afraid of marriage because I don't know if I'll end up like my parents or like everyone else. And I haven't met anyone yet who makes me want to take that risk.
Of course, marriage isn't the only uncertainty in life. The other big one is career choices. I should probably try to tell myself I won't end up with my dream job right out of college and that's okay because I have time. But the truth is, I'm so afraid of life I can't allow myself to have a dream job. Any time I think of something that sounds fun, I tell myself, "That's not a reality. Pick a different dream." My first dream was to be an author, but the starving artist role doesn't really suit me. Then I dreamed of being an advice columnist for a newspaper, but I keep telling myself newspaper is dying. I thought about writing sitcoms, but I would hate to live in a big city like New York or L.A. Yuck. So now I'm supposed to be looking at my options, but I don't even know what I want. Because what if I put my heart into something and it doesn't turn out? If I don't decide what I want, I can't be disappointed when I don't get it.
But what if I don't decide what I want? Well, then I'll be stuck living with my parents and flipping burgers just to make a few bucks, struggling to pay off the loans I took out on an education I won't even be using. And that's my dilemma. If I know who I am and what I want, I could end up with a lot of disappointment in the end. But if I don't decide who I want to be, I'll never be anyone.
My identity crisis doesn't come from spending too much time around other people and letting them influence me. It comes from being afraid to know myself. Because if I know myself, I might not like myself. Because if I know myself, I might know my dreams, and I might not achieve them. Because if I know myself, I will have something to live for. And I can't think of anything more terrifying than wanting to live.
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